Where did everyone go??

At one time, I had a lot of friends. It seemed I was never at a loss when I needed to talk to someone. Lately, though, it feels like everyone has abandoned ship. Did I miss something? Or the bigger question, did I DO something?
Perhaps it is truly my fault. I haven't been at my best for the past few months. When things get bad, I tend to isolate myself. Maybe I've pushed people away. But aren't your best friends always supposed to be there? I have certainly been there for everyone else whenever they needed me. Ohana means nobody gets left behind, right?
Honestly, I feel like such a wimp for whining. Thank GOD no one actually reads this mindless drivel. I just needed an outlet. I whine and complain and then ignore it all. Probably, that's not the best way to handle things. It's certainly not improving my mental state. But, then, given my current position, maybe it's best to be alone.
It's fine, I have my kids and I have school. I will fully immerse myself in those 2 things and by doing so, will be far too busy to notice the lack of friendly faces in my world.
I still have to wonder though.......

I'm a walking contradiction

I hate that I'm addicted to soda
I hate that I'm addicted to makeup
I hate being obsessed with and controlled by my appearance
I hate that I can't seem to ever finish what I start
I hate being a single parent
I hate getting up early
I hate being stuck at home
I hate constantly wearing comfy clothes
I hate being shy
I hate being consumed by school and homework
I hate that I'm a sinner
I hate being alone


I love mt. dew
I love makeup
I love feeling pretty and always put together
I love brief moments of inspiration
I love being a parent
I love getting up early
I love being at home
I love being comfortable
I love being independent
I love school
I love that I'm always forgiven
I love quiet time by myself

(un)comfortably numb

Another Sunday, another amazing message today. I truely think I attend the best church in the world! I continuously hear something every week that pertains to my life/situation/moment, whether it's part of a prayer, sermon or song. And that's exactly what a church experience should be.
Theres always a but, or a however, and here is mine. The last couple months have been a struggle of the worst kind, an emotional roller coaster per say. It's always hard to pinpoint what the catalyst is when this happens. Intuitively, I can guess where and what started it, but thats not the point. Truthfully, it's been a long time coming. For me, I guess you can say that the road to Heaven is paved with good intentions and multiple collapses.
Depression is a tricky, tricky little monster, and we jumped in the ring 10 years ago. Most of the time, I'm winning. Lately, he's been kicking my ass. Which brings me to today.
It wasn't the topic that got to me as much as a basic theme that ran throughout the entire sermon. The point was made that our sin doesn't just hurt God, or ourselves, or those around us. It can also leave some pretty big scars, and sometimes those scars don't fade. Certain sins not only harm us, but take away a part of us. Over time, after continuously losing pieces, we are left with nothing inside.
I've been trying to attach a name to this overwhelming feeling I've been carrying around for the past 2 months and today I finally found it. I'm just numb, with occasional outbursts of intense anger. I haven't been completely happy in quite some time. In fact, the last time I remember feeling real happiness was one night almost 2 years ago. Sad isn't it?
It would seem that finally acknowledging something that I've been denying would bring on a sense of relief in someway. Afraid not. Instead, I instictively just turn in even more. I bolted the minute church was let out, not wanting to see or talk to anyone and silently hoping that no one would notice the panic that was written across my face.
I don't know how to get out from under this boulder-sized storm cloud that has been hovering above my head. I'm definitely in uncharted territory.