(un)comfortably numb

Another Sunday, another amazing message today. I truely think I attend the best church in the world! I continuously hear something every week that pertains to my life/situation/moment, whether it's part of a prayer, sermon or song. And that's exactly what a church experience should be.
Theres always a but, or a however, and here is mine. The last couple months have been a struggle of the worst kind, an emotional roller coaster per say. It's always hard to pinpoint what the catalyst is when this happens. Intuitively, I can guess where and what started it, but thats not the point. Truthfully, it's been a long time coming. For me, I guess you can say that the road to Heaven is paved with good intentions and multiple collapses.
Depression is a tricky, tricky little monster, and we jumped in the ring 10 years ago. Most of the time, I'm winning. Lately, he's been kicking my ass. Which brings me to today.
It wasn't the topic that got to me as much as a basic theme that ran throughout the entire sermon. The point was made that our sin doesn't just hurt God, or ourselves, or those around us. It can also leave some pretty big scars, and sometimes those scars don't fade. Certain sins not only harm us, but take away a part of us. Over time, after continuously losing pieces, we are left with nothing inside.
I've been trying to attach a name to this overwhelming feeling I've been carrying around for the past 2 months and today I finally found it. I'm just numb, with occasional outbursts of intense anger. I haven't been completely happy in quite some time. In fact, the last time I remember feeling real happiness was one night almost 2 years ago. Sad isn't it?
It would seem that finally acknowledging something that I've been denying would bring on a sense of relief in someway. Afraid not. Instead, I instictively just turn in even more. I bolted the minute church was let out, not wanting to see or talk to anyone and silently hoping that no one would notice the panic that was written across my face.
I don't know how to get out from under this boulder-sized storm cloud that has been hovering above my head. I'm definitely in uncharted territory.