I hate that I'm addicted to soda
I hate that I'm addicted to makeup
I hate being obsessed with and controlled by my appearance
I hate that I can't seem to ever finish what I start
I hate being a single parent
I hate getting up early
I hate being stuck at home
I hate constantly wearing comfy clothes
I hate being shy
I hate being consumed by school and homework
I hate that I'm a sinner
I hate being alone
I love mt. dew
I love makeup
I love feeling pretty and always put together
I love brief moments of inspiration
I love being a parent
I love getting up early
I love being at home
I love being comfortable
I love being independent
I love school
I love that I'm always forgiven
I love quiet time by myself
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
(un)comfortably numb
Another Sunday, another amazing message today. I truely think I attend the best church in the world! I continuously hear something every week that pertains to my life/situation/moment, whether it's part of a prayer, sermon or song. And that's exactly what a church experience should be.
Theres always a but, or a however, and here is mine. The last couple months have been a struggle of the worst kind, an emotional roller coaster per say. It's always hard to pinpoint what the catalyst is when this happens. Intuitively, I can guess where and what started it, but thats not the point. Truthfully, it's been a long time coming. For me, I guess you can say that the road to Heaven is paved with good intentions and multiple collapses.
Depression is a tricky, tricky little monster, and we jumped in the ring 10 years ago. Most of the time, I'm winning. Lately, he's been kicking my ass. Which brings me to today.
It wasn't the topic that got to me as much as a basic theme that ran throughout the entire sermon. The point was made that our sin doesn't just hurt God, or ourselves, or those around us. It can also leave some pretty big scars, and sometimes those scars don't fade. Certain sins not only harm us, but take away a part of us. Over time, after continuously losing pieces, we are left with nothing inside.
I've been trying to attach a name to this overwhelming feeling I've been carrying around for the past 2 months and today I finally found it. I'm just numb, with occasional outbursts of intense anger. I haven't been completely happy in quite some time. In fact, the last time I remember feeling real happiness was one night almost 2 years ago. Sad isn't it?
It would seem that finally acknowledging something that I've been denying would bring on a sense of relief in someway. Afraid not. Instead, I instictively just turn in even more. I bolted the minute church was let out, not wanting to see or talk to anyone and silently hoping that no one would notice the panic that was written across my face.
I don't know how to get out from under this boulder-sized storm cloud that has been hovering above my head. I'm definitely in uncharted territory.
Theres always a but, or a however, and here is mine. The last couple months have been a struggle of the worst kind, an emotional roller coaster per say. It's always hard to pinpoint what the catalyst is when this happens. Intuitively, I can guess where and what started it, but thats not the point. Truthfully, it's been a long time coming. For me, I guess you can say that the road to Heaven is paved with good intentions and multiple collapses.
Depression is a tricky, tricky little monster, and we jumped in the ring 10 years ago. Most of the time, I'm winning. Lately, he's been kicking my ass. Which brings me to today.
It wasn't the topic that got to me as much as a basic theme that ran throughout the entire sermon. The point was made that our sin doesn't just hurt God, or ourselves, or those around us. It can also leave some pretty big scars, and sometimes those scars don't fade. Certain sins not only harm us, but take away a part of us. Over time, after continuously losing pieces, we are left with nothing inside.
I've been trying to attach a name to this overwhelming feeling I've been carrying around for the past 2 months and today I finally found it. I'm just numb, with occasional outbursts of intense anger. I haven't been completely happy in quite some time. In fact, the last time I remember feeling real happiness was one night almost 2 years ago. Sad isn't it?
It would seem that finally acknowledging something that I've been denying would bring on a sense of relief in someway. Afraid not. Instead, I instictively just turn in even more. I bolted the minute church was let out, not wanting to see or talk to anyone and silently hoping that no one would notice the panic that was written across my face.
I don't know how to get out from under this boulder-sized storm cloud that has been hovering above my head. I'm definitely in uncharted territory.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
My Non-Resolution Resolution
For as far back as I can remember (that's really not as long ago as it sounds, we're talking high school years) I have made the same resolution for New Years. You can guess how successful I was in keeping to that resolution seeing as I kept making it year after year...after year!
This year however, I'm resolving NOT to resolve to do anything...kinda. This past year has been rough. To be frank, it sucked. Well partially anyway. I started off the year in a great place, or so I thought. I was in a relationship with a guy I loved more than words could describe. It was something that I'd wanted for so long that I think when it finally happened I completely ignored any misgivings I had about getting involved with this person and just dove in head first. It wasn't what I thought it would be. Some parts were better, some parts were less than that. He was my best friend though and I was convinced that I would be ending this year with a ring on my finger.
My empty ring finger speaks volumes of how intuitive I can be.
But what do you do? Well, if you're me you fall shamefully apart and then pick yourself up and move on. I learned that I had a lot of work to do, most of it on myself. I stepped out of my comfort zone and into a new church where I've found more than I could've ever imagined I'd find in a movie theater. I joined a bible study and I'm now a part of a group of 25 strong Christians who encourage, support and love one another. How many people can say they have 25 people standing behind them???
I've learned what real blessings are and I've seen where God is working in my life and for those 2 things alone I am completely grateful. So this year, instead of vowing to lose weight or get out of debt or do some other materialistic and unneccessary thing, I've decide that I'm only going to set 2 goals for myself: In 2011 I'm going to be happy and I'm going to make a difference.
And I'm not resolving to do either, I'm just going to do my best and see where that takes me :)
This year however, I'm resolving NOT to resolve to do anything...kinda. This past year has been rough. To be frank, it sucked. Well partially anyway. I started off the year in a great place, or so I thought. I was in a relationship with a guy I loved more than words could describe. It was something that I'd wanted for so long that I think when it finally happened I completely ignored any misgivings I had about getting involved with this person and just dove in head first. It wasn't what I thought it would be. Some parts were better, some parts were less than that. He was my best friend though and I was convinced that I would be ending this year with a ring on my finger.
My empty ring finger speaks volumes of how intuitive I can be.
But what do you do? Well, if you're me you fall shamefully apart and then pick yourself up and move on. I learned that I had a lot of work to do, most of it on myself. I stepped out of my comfort zone and into a new church where I've found more than I could've ever imagined I'd find in a movie theater. I joined a bible study and I'm now a part of a group of 25 strong Christians who encourage, support and love one another. How many people can say they have 25 people standing behind them???
I've learned what real blessings are and I've seen where God is working in my life and for those 2 things alone I am completely grateful. So this year, instead of vowing to lose weight or get out of debt or do some other materialistic and unneccessary thing, I've decide that I'm only going to set 2 goals for myself: In 2011 I'm going to be happy and I'm going to make a difference.
And I'm not resolving to do either, I'm just going to do my best and see where that takes me :)
Friday, September 10, 2010
I'd rather have a strong backbone than a strong jaw bone!
Some really smart person said that to me this week. And after I thought about it, I fully agreed! Basically, it mean a little less talk and a lot more action. I've been all about change this summer and heading into this fall. So this saying is pretty insync with what I'm doing.
I got a new gym membership this week!!! I'm pretty excited about it. It's just time to get it together.
So far, this semester isn't going too badly. I thought it'd be a lot more stressful but it's been (mostly) smooth sailing thus far!
Things I'm not too happy about: people who can't seem to just be honest!! Seriously, we're adults now, it's ok to just say what you mean and mean what you say. Honesty isn't hard. If you tell someone you'll do something, then do it!
Ok, no more ranting.....have a great weekend!!!
I got a new gym membership this week!!! I'm pretty excited about it. It's just time to get it together.
So far, this semester isn't going too badly. I thought it'd be a lot more stressful but it's been (mostly) smooth sailing thus far!
Things I'm not too happy about: people who can't seem to just be honest!! Seriously, we're adults now, it's ok to just say what you mean and mean what you say. Honesty isn't hard. If you tell someone you'll do something, then do it!
Ok, no more ranting.....have a great weekend!!!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Walk Away
This should be my mantra I think. In a way, it'd be a very good mantra. It could solve any situation you encounter, be it happy/sad/uncomfortable/angry/scary.....
New guy is out. Lets be honest, that one was going nowhere anyway. So I'm gonna walk away from that.
Celebrated the besties b-day last night. I knew there was a chance that the ex and the ex's new gf would be there (this is reason number 378 why you should never date within your circle). But in the spirit of happy birthday-ness I said I wasn't going to let it bother me. I halfway lucked out, the gf didn't come. But the ex sure did. It was....weird. It was the 5 of us, sitting around the same table playing poker...exactly like we have several times over the past 2 summers. But this time the entire dynamic was off. Couple that with the tequila that was going down way to easily and....drinking always leads to thinking it seems. I just kept telling myself to walk away...don't go down that particular memory lane. Theres nothing down there you want to reminisce about anyway. Walk away.
I've been refinding my faith this summer. It started after the now infamous break up (I swear this is going to be the last blog that mentions this!!) but I found a new church and with it a new outlook. It's been the most positive experience I've had all summer and the best part is I get to have it every single Sunday. And because of that I've been rethinking my actions. Walk away. Leave everything thats keeping me from being where I want to be. Just start walkin...
New guy is out. Lets be honest, that one was going nowhere anyway. So I'm gonna walk away from that.
Celebrated the besties b-day last night. I knew there was a chance that the ex and the ex's new gf would be there (this is reason number 378 why you should never date within your circle). But in the spirit of happy birthday-ness I said I wasn't going to let it bother me. I halfway lucked out, the gf didn't come. But the ex sure did. It was....weird. It was the 5 of us, sitting around the same table playing poker...exactly like we have several times over the past 2 summers. But this time the entire dynamic was off. Couple that with the tequila that was going down way to easily and....drinking always leads to thinking it seems. I just kept telling myself to walk away...don't go down that particular memory lane. Theres nothing down there you want to reminisce about anyway. Walk away.
I've been refinding my faith this summer. It started after the now infamous break up (I swear this is going to be the last blog that mentions this!!) but I found a new church and with it a new outlook. It's been the most positive experience I've had all summer and the best part is I get to have it every single Sunday. And because of that I've been rethinking my actions. Walk away. Leave everything thats keeping me from being where I want to be. Just start walkin...
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Ranting today
My brain has been slightly scizophrenic this summer. I spent the first several weeks ridiculously depressed, followed by several weeks of being blissfully happy and content. And for the past 2 days I've been feeling that angry bitter girl that sometimes inhibits my body coming out in a slightly United States of Tara way. I'll explain.
Two nights ago I stopped by my bff's house for a minute to drop something off on my way to hang out with new guy. As I was leaving my bff's, my ex was arriving. Unsure of whether to say hi or just keep walking, I casually glanced up as we passed each other in the driveway. However, whatever idea I'd entertained of being even the tinniest bit polite to this person was quickly diminished as he LOOKED THE OTHER WAY!!!
Are you kidding me?? First of all, I am nothing if not polite. It takes an awful lot of wrongdoing on your part for me to not be at the very least polite to you. And you've done a lot of wrong here lately, but because of our history I am still willing to be nice. Second of all, we are adults. I might not have helped the situation but I certainly didn't cause or create it. For someone who was so concerned with me hating you, you've certainly done a bang up job at preventing that!
Maybe part of my being angry has more to do with my reaction and less to do with his actions. I shouldn't care about this person. I shouldn't care that what he thinks of me or how he acts around me. But damn, I do.
Two nights ago I stopped by my bff's house for a minute to drop something off on my way to hang out with new guy. As I was leaving my bff's, my ex was arriving. Unsure of whether to say hi or just keep walking, I casually glanced up as we passed each other in the driveway. However, whatever idea I'd entertained of being even the tinniest bit polite to this person was quickly diminished as he LOOKED THE OTHER WAY!!!
Are you kidding me?? First of all, I am nothing if not polite. It takes an awful lot of wrongdoing on your part for me to not be at the very least polite to you. And you've done a lot of wrong here lately, but because of our history I am still willing to be nice. Second of all, we are adults. I might not have helped the situation but I certainly didn't cause or create it. For someone who was so concerned with me hating you, you've certainly done a bang up job at preventing that!
Maybe part of my being angry has more to do with my reaction and less to do with his actions. I shouldn't care about this person. I shouldn't care that what he thinks of me or how he acts around me. But damn, I do.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The best things in life are free!
I wish I knew exactly how many calories laughing burned, because I think I could definitely manage to drop a few lbs just by hanging out with my friends everyday! I had zero expectations going into this summer and so far I have gotton so much more out of it than I could have ever thought possible. I've learned at lot, I've laughed a lot and I've loved every minute of it.
Two months ago one of the several girls who keep me going told me that there are so many people who care deeply for me that I'm not even aware of. She was right. I have been surprised at the number of people who have come out of nowhere to be there for me. I have the greatest support group standing behind me and because of them I feel like I can conquer the world. And I will!
Two months ago one of the several girls who keep me going told me that there are so many people who care deeply for me that I'm not even aware of. She was right. I have been surprised at the number of people who have come out of nowhere to be there for me. I have the greatest support group standing behind me and because of them I feel like I can conquer the world. And I will!
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